Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
