the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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