I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
