I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
either way he was missing a nipple.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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