i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
