How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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