Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
