Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
