chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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