Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
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A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
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Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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