I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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