I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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