My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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