yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
