No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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