Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
