My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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