Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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