u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
