ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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