the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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