I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
