Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
