You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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