Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
