11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
In other news, I just burned my penis
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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