What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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