I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
