i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I wish there were birth control emojis
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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