She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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