I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
