Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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