I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
