I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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