I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
