Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
