he told me I talked like a deaf person
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
