Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
