What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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