so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
