Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
