It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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