screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
