Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The air was thick with penises
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
