just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
