Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
