Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
