I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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