You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
