SEEEEXXX PLEASE
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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