I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
