A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I need to calm my uterus...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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