You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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