i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
